wakey wakey hands off snakey
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
