WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
