Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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