i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
