I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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