Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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