Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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