i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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