if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
