Do you still have your period?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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