i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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