I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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