so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
