my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
