All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
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Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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