if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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