Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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