he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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