yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.