I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
