She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
