I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
im holly from the hills drunk
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
