If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
