you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
