Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
