Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
