It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
