I think my vagina is haunted
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
