I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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