My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
