went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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