Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
