How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
