I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
