My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
