My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
