I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
