Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Randomize
