if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
