On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
