I hate all girls vehemently.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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