It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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