when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry