How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
