my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
