I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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