I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
