I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
