nut hugger
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
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