No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
