I think I am morally bankrupt
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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