everyone is single if you try hard enough
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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