just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
