I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
No more Irish car bombs ever.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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