Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Drunk is a universal language darling
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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