Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
