Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
