Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
