I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
