Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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