I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
