you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I have aggressive nipples.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
