just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
